Last night I had a fun conversation with my 18 year old sister. I'm sure she'll be shocked to see that I put this out there for everyone on the internet to read; she might kill me. But at the risk of being put in a grave by her death glares, I think there is something here that needs to be said.
In the Skype session that occurred at midnight last night, due to the fact that she claimed she had something to tell me but couldn't over the phone... "facial expressions are key", she says, the conversation started out pretty simply. I gushed over how gorgeous she looks; she just got her braces off and whacked 7 inches off her hair. She is beautiful!
But then the conversation changed with her words, "Okay are you ready for this? It's Girl Talk time." When she told me she had something to tell me and used the worlds "girl talk", my brain imploded, and I had a mini freak out internally, and I died a little inside.. and all I could think was.. "Yeah, no thank you. I won't tell you my secrets!"
I almost ran away from the computer.
But I smiled, eyes wide, and said in a strained voice, "okaaay". And then I listened as she told me that she had discovered that a boy she hangs around regularly has developed a little crush on her. Her best friend was 'giving her permission' to date the kid and she was beyond confused. Mind you, this is the girl in the family that has guys falling at her feet and she pretends she doesn't care. But this time, she acted like she was genuinely intrigued by this idea. She talked about how our mother told her, "You don't need a boyfriend, but you should think about it."
"Jill, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!", she says.
She wanted to get my opinion on the matter, and it took some self control to not laugh out loud, hysterically.
If she knew what I had been dealing with (unsuccessfully) the last few months, she would NOT be asking for my advice.
I suck at the game. I've tried, I've failed, and therefore; I don't play.
When I say "I tried". I mean that I did it my way. I don't like games. They take too long, and I get way too competitive. So I avoid them. I do things MY WAY. I'm stubborn, I'm impatient, I'm strong-willed, and I'm impatient. I have to put that down twice to convey just how IMPATIENT I am.
Guys.. It's bad. I realized just how bad when I did something in a moment of frustration and impatience, and then, after all was said and done, I sat there and kicked myself for being such an idiot. "If I had just waited..."
It was then that I realized I had failed a lesson on patience.
oops..
I was left feeling embarrassed, let down, and VERY vulnerable. And to go along with these feelings, I felt more confused than ever. Sure, I got answers to the things I was making myself sick over.. but it also brought up more questions. More that I wouldn't get the answers to. Because I was an idiot.
Or at least, that's what I thought.
If you read my previous post, you'll remember that I mentioned I have been through some crazy things the past few months. After going through all of that and feeling exhausted, I was hopeful that FINALLY something good was going to happen. I was patient for a long time.
If you ask the people that watched me go through the long process of waiting the last couple of months, they'll tell you that I really was patient... or as patient as one like me could be. But they would also mention that I was a basket case. I flat-out refused to give up.
......Being both stubborn AND impatient is a curse. They don't play well together in the sandbox.
For a week, before I had decided to take charge and be an idiot, I spent every night sobbing from frustration not knowing what else to do. (Side note: I don't usually cry. This will give you some idea of just how much of a wreck I actually was). The week after I humiliated myself, I sat around in a state of numbness and self-hate.
Good thing for me, I had some angel friends that kept me occupied. And, despite the repetitiveness and irritating sound of my voice, talked things through with me.
So, Janica. Here is my advice to you: (and whoever else is reading)
Be patient; enjoy the process.
I now realize that I probably should have listened when I was being told to be patient. Okay, not probably, I definitely should have. There was no reason for me to be crying every night over something I had no control over. When I think back to those couple of "stressful" weeks, I cringe. I was being so silly! I messed up. I went against everything I had felt, and possibly lost something that was going to be really good for me.
I was supposed to be enjoying the process. Instead, I made it stressful.
In just a few months, life can change. This happens for everyone at some point or another.
We move away from family, start our first track of college, start paying bills, make new friends, and learn LOTS of new things.
The most important thing I can tell you: DO WHAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT.
You can ask others for advice and hope they tell you what you want to hear. But the best thing you can do for yourself in times like this is trust yourself. I have learned that there is nothing more important. The advice others give you is advice that would work for THEM if they were in that situation. Yes, sometimes they say something profound and make you feel like they're all knowing. But in reality, they don't know what is best for you.
You know what is best for you.
Do what you know to be right.
Your Heavenly Father knows you better than you know yourself.
Trust him.
Your Savior understands when you are feeling pain and frustration.
Rely on him to get you through it, and to give you comfort.
Don't let the world decide for you. Decide for yourself, and let your Father in Heaven guide you to where you need to be. He won't lead you astray.
That I do know.
And there is the viewpoint (advice) of a Big Sister.
Cheers!
