It's not about Fair; It's about Faith

~Be Gentle With Yourself-You're Doing The Best You Can~

     A few weeks ago, in a moment of sadness, I was thinking about how certain things in my life had turned out. The way I had explained it to a friend was, "My life is falling apart. And instead of trying to put it back together, I think I'll just sit here and hate it for a while."
     I wasn't dating the boy I wanted to be dating. (I am unbearably impatient)
     I didn't get the job I had so badly wanted.
     I was working hard hours for pay that wasn't worth it.
     My sister up and moved to a different state.
     I missed my family.
     I was mad at my roommate because she wouldn't clean up after herself.
     My room and car were a disaster.
     I was getting fat because my thyroid medications were off.... again.

  The list goes on....
  To put it simply; I was throwing myself a pity party.

     I realized, about 10 minutes into the "party", that it was in fact of the pity type, and I instantly felt annoyed with myself and wanted to turn it all off. I just wanted to focus on something different. Running away from pain is so much easier than dealing with it. Ignoring it, pushing it aside, and avoiding it is the way I prefer to handle the uncomfortable feeling of vulnerability and defeat. But, sooner or later, it catches up to me.
     After weeks of telling myself I wasn't going to feel the stress and frustrations I had recently experienced and let build up, I sat down on my bed, after eating frosting and Spaghettio's, and melted into a puddle of defeat.
All I could think after realizing I had needed to get it all off my chest was, "this hasn't been fair."
In that moment of vulnerability, a voice entered my mind and reverently, but forcefully reminded me: "It's not about fair; It's about Faith"
     I laid on my bed, stunned and feeling a little bit chastised. It took me a moment to grab hold of the thought and see where it would take me.
This wasn't the first tender moment I had had with the spirit. In fact, there have been many times in my life where I have felt the warm embrace of The Comforter. But this time was a time for learning and tough love.
     I didn't want to hear the hard truth. For some unrealistic reason, I was expecting things to be handed to me on a silver platter. I knew better. I knew I would have to work for what I wanted. But in a moment of irritation, I had developed an attitude other than that of gratitude.
Out of everything bad that had happened to me in the recent months, I had become a very different, more adult-ier, adult. I had learned so much, and gained so much! But being the imperfect individual that I am, I failed to remember this and dove head first into a pit of my own pride, selfishness, and pity.
  Not a pretty picture!
     I sat there, quietly and thoughtfully, trying to come up with a way that I could fix it all. Why was I so bitter and angry all of the time? I didn't used to be........ I came up with nothing. I couldn't think of any way I could fix this. I had become emotionally distant.
After months of feeling this way, it became my default and my best friends started to notice.
I had more and more of what they would call my "hot mess" days -sweats, sweatshirt, hair up, glasses on, and a comfort food in hand. We would laugh about it, but we all knew I was a disaster.
     These two girls have saved me on numerous occasions. From the time I've moved here, they have always taken good care of me. The sisterly love they show me is unbelievable because of the raging brat I can be. But Aubrey and Julie are always there; that I know.
     Aubrey and Julie have both been through their fair share of hurt and frustration. Some of those situations were less than pleasant, and more than trying for them. One thing I've noticed in their behavior; don't give in to the struggle.
I clearly have a lot more learning to do. Where it starts?
  Lesson 1: Be graceful in your trails. It's more becoming.
     Aubrey has sat with me through the tears over absolutely nothing, and the tears of heartbreak. She is the one that can un-make your soul with few words and then lets you cry it out. It's basically one of the most uncomfortable situations someone could be in. She just knows when you need to cry, and can make that happen within minutes without showing the slightest hint of judgement. I call it her "Superpower".
     I remember sitting with her while she talked me through another bought of "depression" and being amazed at how she just sat there listening to me complain. I walked away from that conversation with the same thought in mind: "It's not about Fair; It's about Faith".
I always thought Aubrey was so resilient, but she revealed to me in this conversation the struggle she too had been having with her testimony and faith. I was floored! After having expressed to her how much Faith and trust I had lost in my Heavenly Father over the last few months, she told me she too had been having doubts. But, unlike myself, she was working through them gracefully.
  Lesson 2: Stop panicking! Go with the flow. It makes life a little bit easier.
     Okay so this seems a little bit passive for me, but from what I have seen with Julie, there is a right way to go about this. Julie has been there with me when I have just needed someone to sit with. Silently.
Not being very expressive with her feelings, Julie has a quiet elegance about her. It's been interesting trying to learn how to get Julie to open up and have her tell you what she's thinking. But once you get that "box" open, she's honest and very practical about her answers. If you express frustration to her, she has a simple solution.If you express doubt, she won't pry. Her natural instinct to comfort and love is incredible. There is nothing more reassuring than having someone like Jules around. For this, I am grateful.

     My most recent discovery?

TODAY'S TRIAL is TOMORROW'S TESTIMONY

     Nobody wants to go through the hard stuff. Why would you? It's unpleasant. It makes you uncomfortable, it makes you feel angry, it opens doors you would rather stay closed, and it leaves imprints that take WAY too long to fade away. It tests even the strongest and most resilient individuals. We all struggle. It's about how gracefully we handle it.
     Only being 22, I don't have a lot of room to talk. But I feel like I have experienced enough to where I know what it's like to be put through the fire and not be able to find your way out.
     Guess what. Eventually, you do find your way. Even on occasion you walk out without knowing how or when exactly it was that you found that exit. Sometimes you come out of the trial more humble and with a complete understanding of why that was something you needed to experience. Others, you don't always find out, and you have to trust that your soul learned something that will be valuable or beneficial to you in the future.
 
     It's not about Fair; It's about Faith
The only thing that makes life unfair is the delusion that it should be fair.
                   
     Expecting life to always treat you fairly is laughable. 
          Life. Isn't. Fair. 

     Keep the faith anyway. You may falter. You may get angry and not know what to do. Keep
     going.
Faith is not believing that God can, it's knowing that He will.
                    
     You'll get through it. Whether you think you will or not. 
Be Strong: Things will get better. It may be stormy now, but it never rains forever. 
                    


And there is the viewpoint of a girl that is STILL trying
Cheers!

*Do What is Best for YOU*

This is going to be a really dumb post... but I'm going to write it anyway. Because I have some things to get off my chest... So. Here I go.


Last night I had a fun conversation with my 18 year old sister. I'm sure she'll be shocked to see that I put this out there for everyone on the internet to read; she might kill me. But at the risk of being put in a grave by her death glares, I think there is something here that needs to be said.

In the Skype session that occurred at midnight last night, due to the fact that she claimed she had something to tell me but couldn't over the phone... "facial expressions are key", she says, the conversation started out pretty simply. I gushed over how gorgeous she looks; she just got her braces off and whacked 7 inches off her hair. She is beautiful!
But then the conversation changed with her words, "Okay are you ready for this? It's Girl Talk time." When she told me she had something to tell me and used the worlds "girl talk", my brain imploded, and I had a mini freak out internally, and I died a little inside.. and all I could think was.. "Yeah, no thank you. I won't tell you my secrets!"
I almost ran away from the computer.
But I smiled, eyes wide, and said in a strained voice, "okaaay". And then I listened as she told me that she had discovered that a boy she hangs around regularly has developed a little crush on her. Her best friend was 'giving her permission' to date the kid and she was beyond confused. Mind you, this is the girl in the family that has guys falling at her feet and she pretends she doesn't care. But this time, she acted like she was genuinely intrigued by this idea. She talked about how our mother told her, "You don't need a boyfriend, but you should think about it."
"Jill, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!", she says.
She wanted to get my opinion on the matter, and it took some self control to not laugh out loud, hysterically.
If she knew what I had been dealing with (unsuccessfully) the last few months, she would NOT be asking for my advice.
I suck at the game. I've tried, I've failed, and therefore; I don't play.

When I say "I tried". I mean that I did it my way. I don't like games. They take too long, and I get way too competitive. So I avoid them. I do things MY WAY. I'm stubborn, I'm impatient, I'm strong-willed, and I'm impatient. I have to put that down twice to convey just how IMPATIENT I am.
Guys.. It's bad. I realized just how bad when I did something in a moment of frustration and impatience, and then, after all was said and done, I sat there and kicked myself for being such an idiot. "If I had just waited..."
It was then that I realized I had failed a lesson on patience.
oops..
I was left feeling embarrassed, let down, and VERY vulnerable. And to go along with these feelings, I felt more confused than ever. Sure, I got answers to the things I was making myself sick over.. but it also brought up more questions. More that I wouldn't get the answers to. Because I was an idiot.
Or at least, that's what I thought.


If you read my previous post, you'll remember that I mentioned I have been through some crazy things the past few months. After going through all of that and feeling exhausted, I was hopeful that FINALLY something good was going to happen. I was patient for a long time.
If you ask the people that watched me go through the long process of waiting the last couple of months, they'll tell you that I really was patient... or as patient as one like me could be. But they would also mention that I was a basket case. I flat-out refused to give up.
......Being both stubborn AND impatient is a curse. They don't play well together in the sandbox.
For a week, before I had decided to take charge and be an idiot, I spent every night sobbing from frustration not knowing what else to do. (Side note: I don't usually cry. This will give you some idea of just how much of a wreck I actually was). The week after I humiliated myself, I sat around in a state of numbness and self-hate.
Good thing for me, I had some angel friends that kept me occupied. And, despite the repetitiveness and irritating sound of my voice, talked things through with me.

So, Janica. Here is my advice to you: (and whoever else is reading)
Be patient; enjoy the process.

I now realize that I probably should have listened when I was being told to be patient. Okay, not probably, I definitely should have. There was no reason for me to be crying every night over something I had no control over. When I think back to those couple of "stressful" weeks, I cringe. I was being so silly! I messed up. I went against everything I had felt, and possibly lost something that was going to be really good for me.
I was supposed to be enjoying the process. Instead, I made it stressful.


In just a few months, life can change. This happens for everyone at some point or another.
We move away from family, start our first track of college, start paying bills, make new friends, and learn LOTS of new things.
The most important thing I can tell you: DO WHAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT.
You can ask others for advice and hope they tell you what you want to hear. But the best thing you can do for yourself in times like this is trust yourself. I have learned that there is nothing more important. The advice others give you is advice that would work for THEM if they were in that situation. Yes, sometimes they say something profound and make you feel like they're all knowing. But in reality, they don't know what is best for you.

You know what is best for you.
Do what you know to be right.
Your Heavenly Father knows you better than you know yourself.
Trust him.
Your Savior understands when you are feeling pain and frustration.
Rely on him to get you through it, and to give you comfort.

Don't let the world decide for you. Decide for yourself, and let your Father in Heaven guide you to where you need to be. He won't lead you astray.
That I do know.


And there is the viewpoint (advice) of a Big Sister. 
Cheers!

Life is Tough - Just Keep Swimming

Well then... Here I am! Alive...
The last 4 months of my life have been an uphill battle. I can't put into words for you how hard these days have been for me, and I won't begin to try.
I will try to put some things into perspective for you though, because there is a lot to be learned from life. Whether you want to learn or not, you DON'T have a choice.

As a 21 year old, there are things I wish I didn't have to go through. But I have. And I have plenty more that I will have to endure. But that's okay. If I have learned anything in the past few months it is this: #icandohardthings
Unexpected things happen in life. It's inevitable. But remember this:



There are days I wanted to give up, crawl back home to my daddy and mama, and just cry.
I won't say I didn't cry, because I definitely had a few nights where I just sat down, defeated, and bawled my eyes out. But I didn't let this stop me. Neither did my sister.. or my mom.. or my daddy.. or my best friends. I was never alone in my struggles.
Those struggles? I was homeless. I was sleeping on couches. I was fighting to get through this semester. And most of all, I was exhausted. I wish there was a stronger word I could use to describe how tired I was. Eventually I got to the point where the 4-5hr average of sleep I got didn't even phase me. I did what I could.

Being new to Park City, I was expecting to be on my own the majority of the ordeal.
I had walked blindly into a terrible situation. After living in an apartment loft for a month, weird things started to happen and eventually was told I had 3 days to vacate the apartment I was living in. I was up all night that night packing my belongings for the 3rd time in my life, sobbing uncontrollably, and not knowing where I was going to go. I could't believe what was happening, nor did I know what to do.
Things had been going so well! I had unexpectedly been given the opportunity to go to Park City, work in the area of my major, and have everything fall into place.. How could this be happening?

Fortunately for me, I had a very significant player on my team. And without him, I know I wouldn't have come out of the situation in one piece. Undoubtedly, I broke into a million in the whole process. But by the end, my Heavenly Father had put me back together; made a better version of me. A version that I never could have imagined myself to be. But he knew. He knew I could do it. He knew we could do it together. He wasn't; however, going to let me do it alone. He had been putting a team together from the start.

The night that everything fell apart, I called my dad. He was calm, talked me through the crying and hysteria, and told me what I needed to do. I didn't have anywhere to go at this point. Just into my car. After talking with my dad, I called a dear friend. At 1am I called, and she answered. And from there, I knew I was being watched over.
Her family, a family I knew but hadn't had very much to do with, was going to give me a place to stay. Soon after that, friends were offering their couches to me. A family that I had become acquainted with in Park City through the craziness was doing their best to help me find a place to go. My managers and co-workers were on my side, willing to  give me the time and help I needed. Special people happened that wouldn't have come about without this situation.
After being in town for only a few weeks, I had made eternal friends. These people showed me what it was to be truly Christ-like. Something I had always worked to be, was being shown to me. I got a lesson of what this meant.

Through this ordeal, I can't say I handled every situation graciously or with a great attitude. But I also can't say that it didn't help me grow and become a more mature, stronger individual. I look back to 5 months ago and think: "wow... I was so young then." I feel like a completely different person.
I've never been good at letting people help me.... or being patient... and I am 100% sure this is why I had to endure this trial. He was giving me the perspective I needed to understand that life wasn't going to be as easy.
Good things have happened during this trial that still make me smile and give me hope. It has brought people into my life that I know, if it hadn't happened, I wouldn't have with me. Relationships have been made that I won't ever forget, memories will be held onto, and a testimony has been strengthened.

I am a better person because of this trial, and I thank my Heavenly Father hourly for the lessons learned and the protection and safe-keeping of my heart while I have struggled to learn.
This difficult time is almost over, I'm on the downhill now. But I'm sure it's not the last trial. In fact,  I know it's not. There will be more to come, and I look forward to them. Not with anticipation and excitement, but with the understanding that it will help me grow and prepare me for a beautiful life.

I tell people I don't feel 21 anymore. I feel so much older and wiser, yet my physical age has barely changed. My soul; however, has significantly aged, and that is a special feeling.
God doesn't leave you to do it alone. This I know for a fact.


How lucky I am.

And there's the viewpoint of a girl that is truly blessed. 
Cheers!
Jillian