It's not about Fair; It's about Faith

~Be Gentle With Yourself-You're Doing The Best You Can~

     A few weeks ago, in a moment of sadness, I was thinking about how certain things in my life had turned out. The way I had explained it to a friend was, "My life is falling apart. And instead of trying to put it back together, I think I'll just sit here and hate it for a while."
     I wasn't dating the boy I wanted to be dating. (I am unbearably impatient)
     I didn't get the job I had so badly wanted.
     I was working hard hours for pay that wasn't worth it.
     My sister up and moved to a different state.
     I missed my family.
     I was mad at my roommate because she wouldn't clean up after herself.
     My room and car were a disaster.
     I was getting fat because my thyroid medications were off.... again.

  The list goes on....
  To put it simply; I was throwing myself a pity party.

     I realized, about 10 minutes into the "party", that it was in fact of the pity type, and I instantly felt annoyed with myself and wanted to turn it all off. I just wanted to focus on something different. Running away from pain is so much easier than dealing with it. Ignoring it, pushing it aside, and avoiding it is the way I prefer to handle the uncomfortable feeling of vulnerability and defeat. But, sooner or later, it catches up to me.
     After weeks of telling myself I wasn't going to feel the stress and frustrations I had recently experienced and let build up, I sat down on my bed, after eating frosting and Spaghettio's, and melted into a puddle of defeat.
All I could think after realizing I had needed to get it all off my chest was, "this hasn't been fair."
In that moment of vulnerability, a voice entered my mind and reverently, but forcefully reminded me: "It's not about fair; It's about Faith"
     I laid on my bed, stunned and feeling a little bit chastised. It took me a moment to grab hold of the thought and see where it would take me.
This wasn't the first tender moment I had had with the spirit. In fact, there have been many times in my life where I have felt the warm embrace of The Comforter. But this time was a time for learning and tough love.
     I didn't want to hear the hard truth. For some unrealistic reason, I was expecting things to be handed to me on a silver platter. I knew better. I knew I would have to work for what I wanted. But in a moment of irritation, I had developed an attitude other than that of gratitude.
Out of everything bad that had happened to me in the recent months, I had become a very different, more adult-ier, adult. I had learned so much, and gained so much! But being the imperfect individual that I am, I failed to remember this and dove head first into a pit of my own pride, selfishness, and pity.
  Not a pretty picture!
     I sat there, quietly and thoughtfully, trying to come up with a way that I could fix it all. Why was I so bitter and angry all of the time? I didn't used to be........ I came up with nothing. I couldn't think of any way I could fix this. I had become emotionally distant.
After months of feeling this way, it became my default and my best friends started to notice.
I had more and more of what they would call my "hot mess" days -sweats, sweatshirt, hair up, glasses on, and a comfort food in hand. We would laugh about it, but we all knew I was a disaster.
     These two girls have saved me on numerous occasions. From the time I've moved here, they have always taken good care of me. The sisterly love they show me is unbelievable because of the raging brat I can be. But Aubrey and Julie are always there; that I know.
     Aubrey and Julie have both been through their fair share of hurt and frustration. Some of those situations were less than pleasant, and more than trying for them. One thing I've noticed in their behavior; don't give in to the struggle.
I clearly have a lot more learning to do. Where it starts?
  Lesson 1: Be graceful in your trails. It's more becoming.
     Aubrey has sat with me through the tears over absolutely nothing, and the tears of heartbreak. She is the one that can un-make your soul with few words and then lets you cry it out. It's basically one of the most uncomfortable situations someone could be in. She just knows when you need to cry, and can make that happen within minutes without showing the slightest hint of judgement. I call it her "Superpower".
     I remember sitting with her while she talked me through another bought of "depression" and being amazed at how she just sat there listening to me complain. I walked away from that conversation with the same thought in mind: "It's not about Fair; It's about Faith".
I always thought Aubrey was so resilient, but she revealed to me in this conversation the struggle she too had been having with her testimony and faith. I was floored! After having expressed to her how much Faith and trust I had lost in my Heavenly Father over the last few months, she told me she too had been having doubts. But, unlike myself, she was working through them gracefully.
  Lesson 2: Stop panicking! Go with the flow. It makes life a little bit easier.
     Okay so this seems a little bit passive for me, but from what I have seen with Julie, there is a right way to go about this. Julie has been there with me when I have just needed someone to sit with. Silently.
Not being very expressive with her feelings, Julie has a quiet elegance about her. It's been interesting trying to learn how to get Julie to open up and have her tell you what she's thinking. But once you get that "box" open, she's honest and very practical about her answers. If you express frustration to her, she has a simple solution.If you express doubt, she won't pry. Her natural instinct to comfort and love is incredible. There is nothing more reassuring than having someone like Jules around. For this, I am grateful.

     My most recent discovery?

TODAY'S TRIAL is TOMORROW'S TESTIMONY

     Nobody wants to go through the hard stuff. Why would you? It's unpleasant. It makes you uncomfortable, it makes you feel angry, it opens doors you would rather stay closed, and it leaves imprints that take WAY too long to fade away. It tests even the strongest and most resilient individuals. We all struggle. It's about how gracefully we handle it.
     Only being 22, I don't have a lot of room to talk. But I feel like I have experienced enough to where I know what it's like to be put through the fire and not be able to find your way out.
     Guess what. Eventually, you do find your way. Even on occasion you walk out without knowing how or when exactly it was that you found that exit. Sometimes you come out of the trial more humble and with a complete understanding of why that was something you needed to experience. Others, you don't always find out, and you have to trust that your soul learned something that will be valuable or beneficial to you in the future.
 
     It's not about Fair; It's about Faith
The only thing that makes life unfair is the delusion that it should be fair.
                   
     Expecting life to always treat you fairly is laughable. 
          Life. Isn't. Fair. 

     Keep the faith anyway. You may falter. You may get angry and not know what to do. Keep
     going.
Faith is not believing that God can, it's knowing that He will.
                    
     You'll get through it. Whether you think you will or not. 
Be Strong: Things will get better. It may be stormy now, but it never rains forever. 
                    


And there is the viewpoint of a girl that is STILL trying
Cheers!